I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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