If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
