I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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