And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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