my sisters under your porch take her home
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
