before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
