areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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