Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
