I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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