kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
