I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
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