Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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