I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
