Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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