btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
