You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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