Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
