DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Randomize
