Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
