I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
