It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
thus making me awesome and them whores
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I pour the whiskey from now on
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
