I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
