he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
