Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
