i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I wish there were birth control emojis
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
We had sex on a dog bed..
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
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