Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
