Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
