we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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