Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
