Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
