how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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