dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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