just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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