everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
