Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
