why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
