there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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