Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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