I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
