is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
