Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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