TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
