man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
