Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
