Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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