Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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