so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
