I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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