you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
the condom got lost in my hair
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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