Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
