he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
last night I used snow as a chaser
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
